How to Get Yourself Killed Without Really Trying
by What-I-Got
Summary: Who could have guessed that trying to finish your homework on time could spell your messy demise?
1. Chapter 1

It all started in the garden.

Well… I guess it technically wasn't a garden, per se. It was more like a pile of pots in a corner of our deck. My mom had one of those 'moments' where she felt the urge to make one of those beautiful walk-in gardens because she needed to 'do something with her life.'(What was raising two kids, supervising my father, and heading a Law firm?!) She talked about it obsessively for weeks, planning and purchasing the supplies needed. The soil had been tilled and ready to plant with before she remembered she couldn't keep a cactus alive, let alone begonias. The whole thing made me wonder how my brother and I made it past childhood.

I digress.

I was in the garden, doing what I do almost every waking moment of my life.

Homework.

It was math homework, to be exact. _Freaking math homework_. And I hated it. Normally, math homework was to be done at my desk, but today, my routine was interrupted. My mother forced me outside because it was 'nice'. If by 'nice' you mean a pollen count of 80 million and a humidity of 99%, then yes, it was 'nice'.

It was like trying to breathe sawdust underwater.

Thank you, Floridian springtime. Thank you very much.

I plopped myself down on a large upturned pot and started to work. The homework covered factoring quadratic equations, a task which I had been chided for in class because I used a way that was not only more accurate, but took less time, space, and effort. One would think that would be preferred with the short amount of time allotted in school, right? Mr. Michaels would have none of it. Work hard, not smart. Way to go, school.

I wrote down the last equation of the problem I was on, trying to ignore the way the humidity and my sweaty hands made the paper damp, before a noise that sounded like a cap gun caught my attention.

_Pop._

Silence.

_Pop Pop._

"What in the hell?!" I muttered under my breath, setting down my book and looking around. Nothing appeared to be moved or changed. Same old suburban back yard. What I did notice, however, was how quiet my surroundings were. There wasn't a birdsong or car engine to be heard. There was no wind, and the grating buzz of the lawn mowers that had been bothering me for the past hour and a half had evaporated. All that was left was unnatural silence.

I didn't know whether to be disturbed or relieved.

There was a final pop, and then more infuriating silence. I sat there for a minute, expecting more and getting nothing except the feeling it was getting closer to sunset. Peeved, I stood up and grabbed my book.

"Ooookay then. This is just a little weird, even for my tastes. I'm just gonna, you know, go inside and—_whatthehellisthat?!_"

There, where my house _should_ have been, was giant rock.

My math book went clattering to the hardwood deck.

A giant rock.

My brain struggled for words to express itself in this ludicrous situation. It came up with one about thirty seconds later.

"Balls."

I turned around without really knowing why I did so.

The garden vanished and in its place was a vast, sickeningly green forest that spread out as far as the eye could see.

I couldn't have even been doing something cool when this happened.

I guess that's just the story of my life.

I looked around to notice that my math book too was absent, which was probably a good thing because I wanted nothing more that to punt it over the giant mother sucking rock that had once been my house.

The image of my smashed up Algebra book pleased me more than it should have.

Ahem. Right.

Sound had returned once again, but not the same sounds that had enveloped me previously. Unfamiliar and rather enchanting birdsong floated down from above as the wind tickled the trees, making a quiet _shush_ing noise as the leaves brushed together. The air, I somewhat happily noticed, was crisp and blessedly free of any harsh heat, a feeling that stirred up distant memories of my life in upstate New York before Mom decided that a little home in the insufferable West Palm Beach would be better.

Without realizing it, I shivered, my tank top and short shorts suddenly inappropriate for this climate. There was a low whistling coming from deeper in the forest, like the sound of someone blowing over a bottle. I was officially freaked out.

"Chief, this is bad." I winced at the volume of my voice, though it couldn't have been more than a whisper. "I need to be brave about this. I gotta use my razor sharp logic to figure this out so that I can get home and fulfill my life-long goal of graduating high school without getting killed."

Getting an idea suddenly, I closed my eyes and did what any sane person would do in this situation.

"There's no place like home!" I cried out, clicking my heels together. It was then I noticed I was barefoot. "There's no place like home! T-there's no p-place like—like--"

The situation came crashing down on my head.

My house is gone and I'm stuck in the middle of some foreign forest.

Panic bubbled up in my chest.

I did the only thing I could think of to do.

And that was how they found me; curled up in a fetal position bawling my ever-loving eyes out.

So much for bravery.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry this update took so long! It's my fault... but I'm passing the buck on to school, school, my boyfriend, school, learning how to breakdance, school, drama competition, and finally... school.

Without further ado, the chapter that should have been posted two months ago! :D

* * *

I wasn't sure exactly how much time I spent curled up on the ground before they found me, but I knew that it was exactly the amount of time it takes to be bitten by fire ants on roughly 47% of your exposed skin. When I heard the crunch of approaching footsteps, I was uncertain whether I should have been frightened by the fact that they might, you know, _murder me and rape my dead body_ or whether to be relieved by the slim chance that they might have some _Benadryl_ or _Tylenol_ or maybe even _a gun_ to put me out of my misery.

Alas, I was not so lucky.

"You!" A voice called from somewhere in front of me. I froze mid-scratch, my fingers poised over a particularly itchy ant bite on my shin.

"Are you alright?" The voice said again, this time closer. There was something familiar about the voice, but I could not place my finger on where I would have known it.

Before I could even try to figure that mystery out, I became painfully aware of an awful, eardrum shattering noise that sounded like the brakes on shit-mobiles when they stop at stoplights. It eclipsed the sound of the footsteps and occasionally punctuated itself with a weird choking/gagging noise that reminded me of the time my uncle tried to eat a cheese block whole on a bet and ended up in the ER get it out.

Whatever it was, I wanted it to strangle it with my bare hands because it was freaking annoying.

"Oh dear!" A girl's alarmed timbre spoke from only a few feet away. "She sounds like she's in a terrible amount of pain!" and that's when I realized that the hideous noise had been me sniveling my face off.

Smooth.

"Lu, be careful," the first voice warned, and the footsteps came to a halt. I jerked my foot away as another ant bit it.

"My goodness, look at her clothing!" a woman said, disgust shining through as clear as silver.

I slowly pushed myself into a sitting position and looked up at these strangers and what greeted me was so predictable that I couldn't help but to sneeze snot all over myself.

The freaking Pevencies.

Oh. Of course.

"Hah. I should have _known_! Narnia!" I said excitedly without fully realizing I was speaking aloud. "I _knew_ it! I knew I my ridiculous amount of school work paired with my lack of sleep and food was going to drive me crazy! That's what I told mom! I _told_ her that either the school work goes, or my sanity goes! And look what happened!"

Peter looked at me dumbly. I ignored him and continued ranting.

"I bet _she's_ going to feel like a jerk when she finds out! See? This is what happens when no one listens to me! No one _ever_ listens to me!"

"I think she's having a hallucination..." One of them said. I was too busy having a cow to really care who it was.

"And all those times that she told me—" My voice went up in a faultless imitation of my mother's nasal New York twang. "'Oh gawd, I was like dat when I was yowa age, sweethawt, so don't worry.'"

I snorted. Edmund looked amused. Everyone else was slightly horrified. Susan looked as if she shat a brick.

"Yeah RIGHT!" I cried out in the last moments of my ranting glory, fists raised to the sky like Tevye on some serious crack. "WHO TOLD YA NOW, SUCKA!!"

Lucy shot an alarmed look to Peter, whose hand strayed towards the hilt his sword. (The metal one. Not the one he keeps in his pants.) As soon as he did so, I noticed what appeared to be the Travelocity gnome, but upon second glance, I remembered that the Travelocity gnome:

1) Wore a big red hat

2) Wasn't a ginger

3) Didn't look like he wanted to kill me

In fact, within mere instants of this Travelocity gnome imposter sticking the tip of his blade nearly up my runny nose, I realized he reminded me more of Pintel from Pirates of the Caribbean.

"Parley?" I tried sheepishly.

He was not amused.

* * *

The next one will be much longer! REVIEW PLEASE AND THANK YOU! :)


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